


There Was No Saving You

by littlebirdfanfics



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Based off Album: Hospice by The Antlers, Doctor/Patient, M/M, Music Album AU, TW: Suicide, TW: cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 01:19:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3876919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebirdfanfics/pseuds/littlebirdfanfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieren is in the hospital after a suicide attempt and is not doing well physically or emotionally. He's not eating or sleeping; his doctor is telling him if he does not eat they will have to put tubes in his stomach to help him. Dr Monroe, more commonly know as Simon, is trying his best to take care of Kieren and trying not to get attached to him. The only thing Simon can really do is be there for the boy, in the room with him, whether he wants the company or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Was No Saving You

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing (and posting) a fic. Please be nice! Enjoy! 
> 
> You can listen to the album here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSi_FE52TAY

  
**Prologue:**  
  
Kieren is in the hospital after a suicide attempt and is not doing well physically or emotionally. He's not eating or sleeping; his doctor is telling him if he does not eat they will have to put tubes in his stomach to help him. Dr Monroe, more commonly know as Simon, is trying his best to take care of Kieren and trying not to get attached to him. The only thing Simon can really do is be there for the boy, in the room with him, whether he wants the company or not.  
  


\--------------------------

  
It was a rainy afternoon at the Roarton hospital. Kieren was admitted two days ago, after a suicide attempt. His wrists were wrapped up; Kieren could feel them swell as he slowly opened his eyes to the sound of low beeps coming from the machine next to him. A tall, black haired man was beside him, checking the clipboard in his hands curiously. As the man in the chair looked at Kieren, he swore his heart skipped a beat. It was in that moment Simon knew he felt something between them. Giving Kieren a small smile, he sat beside him on the edge of the hospital bed, "How are you feeling this afternoon, Kieren?" The man asked, with a thick Irish accent.   
Kieren's eyebrows narrowed forward and he sighed, "Well let's see..I tried to commit suicide about two days ago in a cave so... yeah, I'm totally fine." He said sarcastically facing away from the older man.   
Simon looked at him with raised eyebrows, "Well if there is anything you need just press that little button on your finger," He gestured to the button on his left hand. Kieren nodded before closing his eyes and with that, Simon left the room.  
  


 

* * *

 

  
**Kettering**

 

It was a tough afternoon for Kieren so far. He was refusing to eat and sleep which caused Simon to bother him every few hours to make him eat to stay stable. As he checked on Kieren again, he suggested him to smile, but Kieren was too isolated to show any affection of any sort.

It wasn’t until later, when Simon was checking on him, that he spoke. "I don't need your help I don't want to be bothered and hovered over constantly".   
Simon looked at him for a few moments; god he was stunning, he thought to himself. He felt horrible that this magnificent young boy had wanted to take his own life. He cared so much for him and wanted to do his every wil. He wanted to take care and protect this boy, and he knew that he was falling for him. He knew of course he couldn't have any romantic feelings for his patients, but he somehow felt a strong connection with him that he knew would never go away.  
  


\-------------------------------

  
It was about three months now that Kieren had been in the hospital; his skin was better and he's eating improved. The more Simon  stayed, the more Kieren would want to kick him out. Kieren wouldn't deny that he felt comfortable around Simon as they talked more and more each day. Kieren knew what this feelings were and he didn't bother to deny it or ignore it. Instead he let his feelings for Simon grow. However, he would never tell Simon how he was feeling towards him. He was worried, he knew what happened the last time he fell for someone that he cared so deeply for, and he knew it wasn't best to hide everything from him.  
x.

Kieren pressed the button on his finger just to have Simon come see him.  
He rushed in, "Did you need anything?" Simon asked his voice sounding concerned.  
"No… I didn't press anything." Kieren shook his head trying to hide his lie.  
"Oh... Okay," Simon said. Unsure, he went over to to check the monitor. Kieren felt his heart rate go faster and faster the closer Simon got closer to him.  
x.

 _Beep beep beep beep_ went off Simon's pager again from Kieren's room. He nearly ran from the hall to his room. As he exhaled from running he spoke, "What's wrong?" He asked looking at kieren worriedly.  
"Nothing… I didn't press anything." Kieren said assuringly. He gave him a small smile and with that Simon's heart melted; the small smile he just gave him nearly killed him and with that he knew he couldn't hide how he felt for Kieren.

  
After that it, was a repeat until the last time Kieren pressed the button Simon answered with this response.  
"I love you.." He said. Simons voice was low and soft. He was sitting in a chair next to his bed he was looking at the ground before he looked at him helplessly. Kieren looked shocked but not alarmed; his lips were trying to speak words but all he could do was stare at Simon, trying to say something back. Simon got up. He let out a shaky breath, he didn't know what else to say or do all he knew was that his feelings for Kieren were sincere.  
"I love you too… But I don't think... I can get hurt again. I don't think I can go through that again… but also I don't think I can hide a relationship anymore… I'm done with pretending. I want to have a real relationship with someone that isn't ashamed of me... " He looked down narrowing his eyebrows.

Simon went to him, sitting in his bed, and kissed his forehead lightly. "Then we won't hide.” He smiled at him as he stroked his hair back. "You mean the world to me and I want you to know that." Kieren nodded as he leaned up to kiss him softly. Simon kissed him back, smiling sheepishly, he felt like he was floating when Kieren kissed him.  
  


* * *

 

 

**Atrophy**

                      
"What do you mean you've been out of town?! You haven't been answering any of my calls or texts and I've been sitting on this bed for weeks! For fuck sake I thought you died or left me!" Kieren's voices was shaky and hollow, "I've had multiple dreams of you cheating on me and I swore all of them were real… I haven't eaten in days or slept… I don't think I can lose you… I-I can't."

Simons reaction was ambivalent he didn't know what to say at this point. "From now on I'm deciding when you eat and sleep… you have to keep your daily routine..." He tried to say calmly. Simon sighed shakily as he sat on Kieren's bed brushing Kieren's hair back.Kieren turned away, not facing Simon "Please… just leave me alone." Kieren said bitterly.

The older man looked down, inhaling and letting out a deep sigh, "I lov-"  

Simon got cut off as Kieren turned to him harshly, "Leave!" He shouted; his eyes were filled with disappointment and disbelief.

Simon could never see Kieren like that never in his life but it seemed like every time he woke Kieren from his sleep, he felt like he was doing something wrong that he cannot control.

Since then, it was something as little as a hard day that caused Simon to revisit an old habit of biting his nails. Biting the nail of his ring finger he looked down at the ring and he felt as though he was bound to Kieren’s bed side and that he's eulogy singer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Bear**              
  
Today is Simons twenty first birthday and he is celebrating with Kieren. Kieren moved in with Simon a few weeks ago and has been mentally better and has been taking medication to stay stable. Though Simon tries to call Amy, and Kieren tries to call Jem, no one answers; Kieren and Simon didn't mind though because what Simon really and truly wanted was Kieren and to spend every precious moment together.  
"Don't you ever think you're too old for me… I mean I'm eighteen and you're well… just turned twenty one… " Kieren has his head on Simon’s shoulder, looking up at him with narrowed eyebrows.   
"We're not old at all… we're only four years apart that's really not that old." He kisses the top of Kieren's head as he looks at the ceiling of their attic; Kieren and Simon are laying down looking up at the star lights around them.

"I hope you know… with my mental health being so messed up,  I know the while we're fucked and not getting unfucked soon…”

Simon props himself up with his elbows to pour a glass of champagne for himself and Kieren lets out a sigh and nods his head in agreement.

"I know… but I will do my every will to make sure you are alright and happy… you're my fiancée and I'm still your doctor technically." He gives him a small smile as he rubs the top of Kieren's hand "I love you more then anything.."

"I love you too.." Kieren says then smiles a little as he leans in to kiss him, which simon puts his hands on the back of Kieren's neck, pulling him closer to a deeper kiss.

"You're incredible Kieren" He says breaking off the kiss then resuming making Kieren and himself fall back into the attic floor.  
  


* * *

 

  
**Two**

                                                                          
It was the middle of the night that Simon found himself awake in the hospital, he was sitting up in a chair with his head tilted back. He looked down the hall that was pitch black. he swore it was haunted but the only light he saw was the room Kieren was in. As simon sat in a chair he heard quiet whispers from a doctor coming out from Kieren's room talking to Kieren's mom, Sue, whose face was completely horrified and from  what she heard was the last thing she wanted to hear.   
"He's lost a lot of blood..we're not a hundred percent sure if he's going to make it but we'll try our best to keep him stable." The doctor said, looking at both Sue and Simon.

"I-is there anything I can do to help?" Simon said shakily. The doctor shook his head sighing, "Well if his bleeding stops, there might be a chance, but as of right now he's bleeding out pretty badly".  
It was an hour since Simon had been waiting in the hospital, Sue went to pick up Jem to bring her to the hospital and call Steve to tell him Keiren stopped bleeding and that he was awake. Simon decided to visit him before Kieren's family arrived.  

Kieren was facing Simon, groaning in pain from his wrists, he spoke softly as if he was whispering. "I keep… getting these vivid nightmares from my past… what makes it harder is that it actually happen to me… its so stupid. I'm so stupid for all this… it's my fault." He moved his head to the center of the pillow sighing shakily. Simon was looking at him listening to every word he was saying. "It all really started in high school. I had this childhood best friend named Rick… " He paused trying to remain calm from breaking down. Simon held his hand helping him. "He and I were friends ever since I moved to Roarton which at the age of seven. I was the new kid in the neighborhood and apparently so was Rick… so one day my parents decided to throw a gathering to welcome the Macy's and of course him and I met. Even though I was seven and didn't understand much but for some reason I felt really close with him. When we were twelve we were wandering around the woods that's near both our houses and that's where we discovered the cave. So every time we wanted to meet or talk in private we'd always go there. At the age of fourteen every time we entered the high school he'd pretend to act like I didn't exist. But then when it was after school he'd be himself and then talk to me… I didn't want to pretend to not know him or be pushed by one of his "friends" and get called horrible names. I wanted him to stop being closed minded and stop pretending. Junior year of high school he confessed he loved me and well… I loved him too, but I told him I didn't want to pretend anymore and keep any secrets but he said that he wishes he couldn't keep it a secret but he couldn't have his dad find out. Eventually he did… and It was a nightmare, it was like one thing we're talking about us and the next he's sent off to boot camp. Then..." He took a shaky breath, pausing before he spoke again. He looked at Simon who was squeezing Kieren's hand tightly, his reaction concerning "The next thing I knew he's dead in Afghanistan. And it's my fault...I couldn't have done anything to save him... I-"  

He got cut off by Simons embrace, brushing the back of Kieren's hair ."It's not your fault… please love… don't take that burden on you.." He said quietly kissing Kieren's hair lightly.

 

\------------------------------------------------

 

Kieren was on edge ever since he got out of the hospital; he’s been throwing his phone nearly breaking it, because he couldn’t get a job due to his mental health issues. His anxiety levels have been getting worse and haven’t been eating for the past weeks. Simon hasn’t even noticed that he’s been getting paler and thinner by the day, he tries his best to keep him calm from breaking down and harming himself again. Though Simon gets blamed on everyday for not “helping” Kieren he doesn’t mind it. Even if Kieren packs his bags by the door every night threatening to leave, Simon doesn’t know what went wrong with this marriage. He feels like everything is a rush and that their marriage was just something that had to be forced upon even though nobody was clapping. It was pitiful the way Simon had to stop Kieren from leaving, it was like he was grabbing his ankles to force him to stay. But in the end Simon gave up and just let Kieren go even though he always came back.

Kieren opens the door finding Simon in the kitchen making tea, he hugs Simons back breaking into a sob "No ones going to fix for me… no one is gonna listen to me because no one understands. I feel like there's no open doors so there isn't anyway of getting through there isn't any witness there's just you. I feel suffocated in this small room and of course my family lashing at you but there is always two ways to tell our story. Our marriage was in such a rush and I know this and… people are blaming you and it's my fault… but I'm so cold to care and too sick to shout." He buried his head into Simons collarbone sobbing uncontrollably.

Simon turns around hugging him pressing him into his chest kissing his head lightly "Nothing is Your fault Kieren...it's going to be alright."

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Shiva**

 

Simon awoke from a nightmare, looking at the sleeping Kieren next to him. In his dream, he felt like he knew what Kieren was feeling when he was in the hospital bed; the fear of losing him. It felt so real for him to get up to tear his band of his wrist. Kieren came up to save him for a minute or so, leaving a ring in his fist. His hair started growing his face became Kieren's his favor was breaking in half. The amount of pain he was in was unbearable; the amount of sadness, fear and regret was horrid. He never wants Kieren to ever feel that way but now that he understands what it felt like to be in Kieren's shoes was heartbreaking and indescribable for Simon to put in words.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Wake**

 

Kieren's been locking himself in his room for days and hasn't come out. He feels as though everyday his depression is getting worse and no one can help him; as if he was trapped in a small box hiding in a corner with no light for escape what so ever. He knows it doesn't get better from here and it never well. Simon has been doing his every will to help him and to make him happy but nothing seems to do the trick. His room hasn't been clean in weeks with art supplies and old photos from when he was a kid with Rick scattered on the floor. It's spring and he should feel happy but since he's so lost in thought it's hard to take care of himself and he's so unhappy with himself it's hard for him to stay happy. Everyone's an enemy he thinks to himself but he knows he must keep everything inside even if it breaks him horribly. It was easier to lock the door and not answer the phone then to show his skin, he reckons. He hopes Simon doesn't come in he he thinks to himself, doesn't want him to see him like this. In matter of fact he doesn't want anyone to come in; he wants to be left alone in his miserable wreck and loneliness that he thinks he deserves.

"Kier?" He hears from behind his door, he doesn't get up but instead he covers himself with his blankets hiding from the world.

"Kier… I'm coming in." Jems voice was concerned but calm she went over to Kieren's bed sitting beside him. "I brought you some dinner… if you're hungry." She placed it on the table next to him. Kieren got up to face Jem who is now looking horrid at the sight of her unwell brother "Please...talk to me Kier. I want to help you". She could feel tears streaming from her eyes as she embraces her older brother.

"You can't Jem… there isn't anything you can do… no one can really. I feel as though I'm being pulled by a rope being suffocated and trying to escape but I can't. I'm hung and dead. There isn't going to be any help Jem. No happy ending." Kieren says softly but in a bitter tone.

Jem broke into a sob looking irritated, "Because you aren't letting the people that love you most let them help you!" She says trying to hold back another sob.

Kieren looked at his crying sister and hold her tightly "If… I ever feel like I've lost all hope and there isn't anything to help me pull out of my mess, and I've made up my mind I want you to do me a favor. You have to promise me Jem… you have to promise me you'll live you're normal life and move on." Jem was nodding her head crying uncontrollably she was clinging tightly rabidly shaking hands, as if she was gripping something for her dear life. Kieren kissed her head lightly putting a strand of her hair behind her ear.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

Simon was asleep in his bed until he heard voices coming from next to him. It was Kieren who was standing next to his bed with tears in his eyes apologizing "I'm so sorry Simon... I'm so sorry I had to put you through this"

Simon got up from their bed looking confused "What are you talking about" he said concerningly. Simon then tried to embrace Kieren who was pushing him  away continuing to apologize; hitting Simon's chest harshly crying and smiling all at the same time.

 

When Simon awoke to discover he was no longer in his bed but in the hospital. He looked around the room he was in only to see Amy outside the glassed window. When she came in her face was red and her eyes were teary, Simon knew something was wrong "What happened? Where's kieren?" He asked anxiously.

Amy sat next to him holding his hand tightly "Kieren committed suicide last evening… you were so devastated you that you had a mental breakdown. The Walkers asked me to bring you to the hospital and so I did."

Simons faces was alarmed "Why didn't anyone stop him?" He asks in shock.

"You couldn't have done anything love… no one could have" She says having tears stream down her face.

"No no no NO. I could have done something...I could have done something" He says shaking back and forth crying.

Amy rubs his back leaning on his shoulder sniffling "It's not your fault. Everything's going to be alright."

  
  
  



End file.
